Kiran and Shaan's World

What happened to the computer? Well, um, here’s the thing…while I was downloading my photo spread in this month’s GQ Magazine the computer started flashing “Too sexy! Too sexy!” on the screen and burst into flames. Honest. – Kiran

Of the many tenets of the man-hottie ethos, no rule is more important then the inverse proportion relationship: As muscular definition becomes more and more defined, chick magneticism increases by a factor of three. – Kiran

As some of you know, I’ve been doing a little publicity for my holiday cookbook entitled “Hindu Santa, Buddhist Cowboy: Cookies for All Occasions”. I just finished taping my interview with Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa and let me tell you, Regis makes just as much noise off air as on. You should have heard the cheese he cut in the green room before we taped. Thunderous! – Shaan

Speed dating for 180 minutes last night was both refreshing and fruitful. Who caught my eye? There were four of them. Of the four, Samantha is brilliant, but humble in an endearing, near self-effacing manner; Parker is fantastically ironic and has a sardonic sense of humor; Janelle is a “sugar mama” and completely unafraid to be emotionally invested in the person with whom she’s dating; and Kenadi is only 18 months old but has excellent taste in sneakers. – Kiran

Whoa…I guess I never knew how serious Kiran was about Amber until today. I swear I just saw a picture of her in his closet that looks like a high-end version of one of those shrines you see at Chinese restaurants. – Shaan

I’ve heard through the grapevine that Amber has already found herself a new boyfriend. Consequently, the flag of love will be flying at half mast today. If you need to find me I’ll be spending the rest of the week listening to Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love” on repeat, eating Lindt chocolate and sobbing uncontrollably in my closet. – Kiran

Nowadays, it seems like anyone can call themselves a hottie. But Kiran tells me that back in the day when people claimed to be hotties they had to have certificates of authenticity. Like Beanie Babies. – Kiran

In the wake of my break up with Amber, I am in a deep funk and plaintively looking for answers. Answers to questions, like “How could this happen to us?” And: “Where did things go wrong?” And more recently: “If eHarmony is matching me only with unattractive people, does that mean I’m ugly or are there just generally unattractive people in the database?” – Kiran

Why get in the Porsche and drive all the way to Malibu when I can sit in comfort and style in our sunny enclosed pool while enjoying the latest installment of the Times series on diet and “debiggening”. – Shaan

Have you heard? US Magazine has allegedly unearthed a steamy video of Big Bird. And the headline reads: Secret Video of Nude Big Bird Rolling Around In Piles of Seeds. Now, hypothetically speaking, if I had a salacious video scandal it would basically be four minutes of me in a fancy dining room devouring a six-foot cake in slow motion. Barefoot, in my bathrobe. – Kiran