No. 1: Diapers have a mind of their own
“They are sentient beings who enjoy reading dead languages and long walks on the beach.”
No. 2: Diapers can minimize or accentuate your physical features
“I prefer Huggies for its comfort and absorption. [Whispers] And to maximize the weenage.”
No. 3: Diapers are naturally shaped like boomerangs
“[Looks down at diaper.] It really is shaped like a boomerang. Who knew?”
No. 4: “Actually No. 3 did surprise me and we are missing a 4th thing.”
1) The plagiarism scandal was a simple misunderstanding
“In December, I wrote a column about gifts to give your significant other for the holidays – I had read a piece in Slate which I thought did it in a clever way and appropriated a lot of those ideas into my column – it wasn’t even close to the p-word, especially given that there are only so many gifts you can give.”
2) Shaan is hated for his Herculean chest
“I have perfectly symmetrical pectoral muscles which I like to display with plunging necklines and v-neck sweaters.”
3) Shaan and Big Birdare, in fact, secret friends
“Big Bird likes me. I like Big Bird. And we are friends despite the passive aggressive nature of his blogs for the past year. Big Bird knows I’ll forgive him for just about anything, and have, in the past, done exactly that.”
4) Shaan is not a “gold-digger”
“Nope – don’t consider myself a ‘gold digger,’ it just turns out that fascinating women are also frequently ambitious. And ambitious women are frequently wealthy. So, there you go. It’s more of a coincidence than anything else. Anyways, it doesn’t make one lick of a difference unless you plan to marry them, and Lord knows I’m not getting married ANYTIME SOON.”
5) Shaan is a benevolent employer of foreign sweatshop labor
“Occasionally, I rely on an 8 year-old Vietnamese girl for web content. I’ve furnished her with a laptop and promised to send her family a carton of Marlboros when she “blogs” about the ‘Shaan’.”
It finally happened. I too have been swept up by the Susan Boyle phenomenon. I’ve never really seen anything like it — except maybe Napoleon stamping his N all over Europe. – Shaan
Just when I thought there was nothing that could possibly make me smile on this long, depressing day, Dad reminded me that later in the afternoon we’re going to stack 7.4 trillion pennies up 4,671,717 miles high – that’s enough to go to the moon and back ten times. Awesome. – Kiran
For those of you that have been trying to reach me via cell phone, please note that I was forced to change my number after my old number was jammed with people calling and asking to speak to ‘Mr G Raff’. (Who started this you ask? I have my suspicions. Yea, that’s right – I’m lookin’ at you Big Bird.) – Shaan
Oh, excuse me, I didn’t see you there! What’s this? Oh, yea, well, my other car seat is in the Ferrari. – Shaan
It finally happened. I too have been swept up by the Susan Boyle phenomenon. I’ve never really seen anything like it — except maybe Napoleon stamping his N all over Europe. – Shaan
Just when I thought there was nothing that could possibly make me smile on this long, depressing day, Dad reminded me that later in the afternoon we’re going to stack 7.4 trillion pennies up 4,671,717 miles high – that’s enough to go to the moon and back ten times. Awesome. – Kiran
For those of you that have been trying to reach me via cell phone, please note that I was forced to change my number after my old number was jammed with people calling and asking to speak to ‘Mr G Raff’. (Who started this you ask? I have my suspicions. Yea, that’s right – I’m lookin’ at you Big Bird.) – Shaan