August 25
So far, this is what I’ve learned about US geography in my Kindergarten class:
1. Okay, “Northerner” really means “Northeasterner.” And by “Northeasterner,” I really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
2. California is the only state that’s in the “West.” Everything else is “near California.” Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? I don’t know what Idaho does besides potatoes.
3. The real “South” is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states scare me deeply. Sort of like when the banjo theme to “Deliverance” kicks in. Same feeling.
4. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state. They both have a Memphis right?
5. Texas isn’t part of the United States. It’s just “Texas” the land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That’s all you need to know about Texas. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
6. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn’t they come up with more original names at some point?
7. But Virginia and West Virginia? It’s like George and Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
8. Hawaii or Alaska aren’t “real” states. They’re like junior college transfer states.
9. I can’t label the Midwest on the map, but I know it when I see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it’s female, it has on a tight sweater.
10. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like Ted Danson. Yes, really.