Kiran and Shaan's World

FAN MAIL  

Every week we receive fan mail from our readers asking us questions like “How can I appropriately camouflage myself as Puerto Rico on a budget?” or “How do you respond to the world’s increasing flatness?”. Today’s letter comes to us from “Super Fan” in Sioux City, Iowa. Super Fan writes: “How’s Maury? We never hear about him anymore.”

Well, Maury is currently at war with a black magic website in California. This is a pretty typical Maury story. Basically, he used to post messages on a black magic website in California, using his full name. Now that he’s finishing up his PhD, he’s worried that the black magic website – which showed up in any Google search with his name – would pose a problem while interviewing for teaching jobs. But the black magic website refused to take down his posts. War ensued. My point is that some derelict black magic website in California refuses to take down years-old message board comments out of editorial integrity. [Silence] Huh? Um…Where was I going with this? What was the question again? – Kiran

AN INTERVIEW WITH KIRAN THAKUR  

If you were President of the United States, how would you solve the following problems? The war in Iraq?

Mmmm…easy. Partition the country into three separate autonomous regions; one region for people who keep it ‘real’, a second region for people who say things like ‘stay up homie’ and a third region for ‘ironic’ fashion statements. That way no one feels like they’re getting shortchanged on the oil. Next?

Global warming?

Update the Kyoto Protocol. Tie the whole thing to some sort of fund so that developing nations have incentives to reduce their own emissions and stop making cars that are bigger than Alaska. In the meantime, researchers at the U.S. Department of Energy have been attempting to utilize my environment-friendly masculinity to fuel automobiles and rockets, but so far, it’s only managed to stop bullets.

What reduces wrinkles, adds radiance to my face and makes me look months younger? Cheese pizza moisturizer. – Kiran  

Today was like an episode of Saved by the Bell. You know the one, where Slater wears his wrestling singlet and serenades Kelly in front of everybody while Screech tries to make-out with Lisa under the bleachers, Zach broke the fourth wall and talked to the camera and Principal Belding ate all the donuts. Yup, just like that. No, wait, not just like. Exactly like that. – Kiran

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! 

Which person, insect or mineral radiates the most retro-80’s vibe? Submit your nominations for a chance to win an original vinyl copy of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth (natch) and, of course, bragging rights. A few ground rules: First, you must actually be aquainted with the candidate. We won’t accept photographs of, for instance, Suzanne Pleshette, unless you actually know Suzanne Pleshette. Secondly, the candidate doesn’t have to be retro-80’s. Remember, retro-80’s is a social construct. However, your reading of retro-80’s must be bolstered by a robust argument! Thirdly, you can be retro-80’s. Entirely possible! Possibly likely! The winner will be announced on January 14, 2008. – Kiran

No Ramone, I’m not camera-ready. Why? Because we’re out of Biore strips and Kiehl’s astringent for today’s photo shoot. Again. You know I have a face oil problem. – Kiran   

Mmmmm…Today I learned that Australia is on the exact opposite side of the world as us. And that means that they do everything exactly the opposite of us too. I’m guessing everything goes counter-clockwise swirly way? – Kiran

Soooooo Zebbie, how’s your memoir coming along? What? You’re not writing a memoir? But anyone and everyone is writing a memoir! My memoir, Kiran Thakur: The Life and Times of a Modern Day Indiana Jones, comes out next April. And did I mention that the story of my life, Chick-Magnet, is opening in theaters this month. It’s an epic Odyssey-like adventure complete with a messianic theme, Brazillian supermodels and a John William’s score. – Kiran

You know, Seaworld probably shouldn’t be naming whales “Shamu” and “Corky”. This is actually very disrespectful to the whales. They should use real whale names, like: OOEEAAOOAARAAOGHGUOAAG!! or: OAAOOURRGG!! – Kiran

I think it’s worth noting that our Neil Diamond Tribute Karaoke Show on Thursday nights is always “Sweet Caroline” free — I don t recall ever attending a conventional karaoke event where that song isn’t ritually disemboweled. Everyone always has to sing along with that one horn part — you know, “Sweeeet Car-oh-line BAM-BAM-BAM”. Ugh. – Kiran