Another late night at the Couples Dodgeball Rally with Molly? – Russell
[Yawn] Yeah, well you know, sometimes when you’re dating you have to make sacrifices. Very itchy sacrifices that will totally chafe afterwards. I should know. I dated a sandcastle artist once and my diapers still feel like the Sahara. – Kiran
Are you coming to my Contemporary Modeling and Practice symposium at the Perutti Lounge this afternoon? I’ll be covering career paths that meld scientific and choreographic inquiry in pursuit of one of the most important topics facing society: How to pout in three quarter profile and trimming your body hair to proper pec-enhancing effect. – Kiran
For those of you who wonder if PBS pays me to write posts about Elmo, the answer is no. [crunch, crunch] Hmmmm…but that’s not a bad idea. PBS, feel free to call me at 1-888-LUV-ELMO. I accept cash or gold bars. No PayPal please. – Kiran
For 2008 accentuate all your accessories. Car keys too. And remember: Sometimes a little braid at the side of your face can be more intriguing then a whole head of braids. – Kiran
How was yesterday’s Muppets Illustrated photo shoot with Miss Piggy? Okay, to be perfectly honest I signed a waiver at the shoot preventing me from saying anything negative about her feet, but, heck, I can talk freely about her “naked slippers” (wink-wink) and let’s just say her “naked slippers” (wink-wink) were in dire need of a pedicure. – Kiran
Despite everyone’s fear of global warming and energy scarcity, I’ve peered into the future and I’m not too worried. Trees and icebergs will be around forever. How do I know this? Because it already is the future, and no one dresses like they’re in Logan’s Run. Think about it! In thousands of films and television shows about the future, everyone dresses identically and often in beige. But now it’s 2008 and everyone still dresses in different ironic t-shirts and no one’s talking to apes named Cornelius. I wonder if Albert Einstein felt this smart after he discovered all that science stuff. – Kiran 
Is he around? No? Okay, well, last summer I spent one weekend lounging in a swimming pool full of fruit punch. Or at least I was until the pool guy came and started asking why I filled the community pool with punch. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jeebus told me to.” But yet he said “Jeebus thinks I should call your parents.” Which he did. What a hypocrite. – Kiran 
What am I working on? An article for Vanity Fair. It’s an in-depth examination of high-end contemporary menswear entitled “Style Watch 2008.” In it I will explore such important questions as: “How to Cope with Flaccid Monograms” and “Commanding Respect in the Boardroom: The Power of the Exposed Chest”. – Kiran
Zebbie, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! [looks around] Oh man, can someone go upstairs and tell Mom I need four C batteries for this thing. Dude, hurry up. It’s important. – Kiran
Last month, Dan Rather was awarded broadcast journalism’s most prestigious honor, a Peabody. Meanwhile, my peers crowned me the “King of Journalism” for my in-depth expose of Oscar the Grouch’s hedge fund scandal. (Okay, so maybe I just lined up a bunch of stuffed animals and held a crowning ceremony in the living room. But Papa Smurf thinks I deserve a Pulitzer and he knows his stuff.) – Kiran