February 9
Russell, of course you should ask Jenna out on a date. I don’t think she’s as intimidating as you think. You see, her tattoos say ‘tough’, but her Victorian blouse says ‘tender’. (I’m 200% sure about this, by the way.) – Kiran
February 8
Someone needs to give the makers of Photoshop the Congressional Medal of Honor today. Like right now. It would be unrealistic to be “camera ready” all the time, but that’s why Jesus stepped down from the heavens and gave us Photoshop. He bestowed upon us a gift that makes “blemish removal” and “skin smoothing” readily available to everyone. – Kiran
February 7
Manuelo, from the Mayan Ruins Foundation can be so critical sometimes. Yesterday at Cancun Appreciation Day I overheard him call Elmo “useless” because he “doesn’t know how to spin yarn, make tortillas, or use a machete”. Oh, Manuelo… – Kiran
February 6
Guess what? Today I received a call back from HBO’s The Wire for a recurring role as investigative journalist Brock Landers, on the very same day that I “forgot” to go to my audition for a Pampers “Brick Shaped Babies” diaper commercial — this isn’t just random chance or blind luck. This is the universe trying to tell me something. And that something is that I need to give my second HBO audition every bushel and peck of emotional stamina and crescendo of appreciation possible if I want to align the stars in my favor. – Kiran
February 5
The invitation for Big Bird’s party decreed that guests should “dress to kill”. Of course, Elmo threw on a hockey mask and rolled up with a machete strapped to his back. I called my look “Socrates’ Rebuke Of Alcibiades In The Symposium” – a seasonless newsboy cap that goes with everything coupled with some unnecessarily aggressive pair of eyeglasses. – Kiran
February 4
Esquire features, like many magazines, an advice column about dating. Theirs is written by a woman. The reason why is because: a) dating is confusing and b) men are, in general, confused about it. Or at least I am. – Kiran
February 3
Um, yea, I’ve been to the Smurf Foundation Charity Benefit and I have to say, it’s a great cause, but there will be way too many inebriated Smurfs there tonight. And Papa Smurf just lets them walk around everywhere. And then they’re plowing their carts through the 11 pm after-party like it’s Target. I mean, I know I’m late on this, but I mean, when you see it for yourself – Brainy drinking Zwack straight from the bottle, Hefty running into walls, Smurfette falling down drunk and screaming “Yu wheel aw lub me!” – Um, yea, that’s why I’m going to claim to have severe menstrual cramps tonight and have a quiet evening at home instead. – Kiran
February 2
I like to think of myself as the Emeril of words. BAM! Hmm, that’s odd. Usually when I say that a giant neon exclamation point lights up. Great, it’s broken. And I’m having guests over tonight. Wonderful. Now how am I supposed to punctuate my stories? Who wants to hear about my keys being locked in the car and have it end without the exclamation mark emphasized? – Kiran