Top five reasons I can’t attend Elmo’s cousin’s niece’s bat mitzvah tonight:

1) “I can’t. I bit my cheek – I need to see a medic.”

2) “I can’t. It’s sunny.”

3) “I can’t. I just bought a Blackberry Smartphone – can someone show me how to use it?”

4) “I can’t. I’m waiting for the FBI to call.”

5) “I can’t. Not until my diapers get here.”