PHONE CALL TRANSCRIPT
…Well, I think far more people should apprentice at bakeries…
…I know – because the world just does not produce enough crullers…
…Yeah, it’s a real problem…
…Mandatory crullers! Somebody needs to make that a law. For the, uh, good of the country. And who knows? Maybe it’ll boost the economy. – Kiran
HAPPY DIWALI EVERYONE!
What am I doing? Just mentally preparing for tomorrow’s exam. As some of you know, applicants to the prestigious Riverdale Preschool Academy must take and pass their scholastic aptitude test. Russell scored a copy of last season’s grueling exam:
Question 1: Estimate the number of manhole covers in Los Angeles. Assess the global economic impact of the removal of said manhole covers and their subsequent transfer to emerging markets with significant levels of interest rate volatility. Bonus: Solve Fermat’s last theorem.
Question 2: In the New Testament where Jesus said “Dude, maybe try different activities besides the eucharistic adulation thing”; to which of the apostles did Jesus teach this valuable lesson? Was it Philip of Galilee or Simon the Canaanite?
Question 3: In the African Serengeti, you are likely to encounter such creatures as the Wildebeest and the Water Buffalo. During the Spring are they: A.) galloping or grazing as expected; B.) testing the waters of public opinion; or C.) going “full frontal”?
To be quite honest, the test has me a little worried. But I think a spotless academic record and a few notable extracurricular accomplishments goes a long way in the preschool admissions process. – Huh?! WHOA! What do you mean it was a faux pas to wear a bathing suit to the admissions interview last week?! – Kiran
How was last night’s party? Mmmmmm, let’s see, I didn’t get there until 1 am thinking that the party wouldn’t really be going until then, but it turns out I missed the band. I decided to call it a night, but then I met this dude who introduced himself as Billy Dee Williams. I told him my name was Eartha Kitt and spent the next few minutes performing highlights from my a cappella version of Sondheim’s Follies. – Kiran
Today Russell and I had our palms read by Madame Minardi. First she talked about how Russell was going to have a cooking show and maybe move back to the Midwest where his roots lie, even though Russell hates cooking and doesn’t want to go back to Chicago. Ever. She also advised Russell to change his name to Rusty. Then it was time for my reading. Madame Minardi won me over immediately when the first thing she said to me was “I’m getting a [first initial of the girl I have a crush on]. Who is [initial]?”. Madame Minardi said that she really likes me and that I should ask her out. Just for that I pretty much consider my $100 well-spent. – Kiran
During our down time here at Kiran’s World, there are a couple of things we do during the two to three hours we spend between drafting posts and taking photos: I like to check out the superior singles scene at the playground, Elmo goes for a manicure, Russell recites the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in Elvish and Zebbie writes Condi/Dubya fan fiction. – Kiran
You’ve spent far too much time at Costco if the ratio of free crab puff samples that you’ve consumed to the number of crab puffs you’ve actually paid for is 3:1 or greater then the volume of 1/Sqrt[2]. – Kiran
Men’s Health Magazine suggests that working out at the gym can be an utterly pointless exercise that does more harm than good, sometimes even resulting in muscle dysmorphia (“bigorexia”) or permanent injuries. I’ll concede that there are times when I think I work out too much. Sometimes I’m surprised by how much I can bench press. 800 pounds! That’s alot right? – Kiran
Gymboree makes me feel all waked up, like there’s an extra 10% part of my brain that lies dormant until it hears “Bubble Time.” I could listen to Gymboree songs all day, so I look forward to their triple CD, which will make it way easier. – Kiran
So, you know how it’s pretty typical that a blogger doesn’t want to go outside—they just want to stay indoors and blog all day long? Well when a blogger wants to get outside, they generally want to be able to get out. Unfortunately for me, that is not the case this morning because I AM LOCKED INSIDE MY HOUSE. Yes, that’s right—the door will NOT open, no matter how hard I try. Please send help. – Kiran