Zebbie has the quirky habit of panting heavily every time it rains, but Russell has the equally quirky habit of blinking rapidly, three times in succession, when it’s sunny outside. Right now, Russell is blinking so heavily his eyes are practically closed so it’s obviously going to be very very sunny today. – Kiran
I like to think my outfit is like a personals ad: It says “SM seeks SF for companionship, discussions on the merits of adjustable waistbands and dining on Happy Meals on Tiffany platters. I can speak in 21 regional accents, enjoy growing seventies inspired handlebar mustaches (or something in the goatee/sideburns family) and prefer tapestries over walls in my bedroom. Available for long walks in non-green areas and Baja Potato Boats.” – Kiran
I’ve had my share of harrowing inebriated cheese hangovers before, but OMG here’s the real deal: After three buckets of Cheez Things and maybe one too many lite cottage cheese smoothies at last night’s poker game, this morning I awoke inexplicably covered in stickers, a seriously Botoxed Elmo is passed out on the couch and I lost one of my contact lenses. – Kiran
Sometimes when I’m running late, I have to settle for changing out of my clothes in the living room. Though I wish the girls next door wouldn’t watch through our windows while they quietly drink from their sippy cups. At least toss me a compliment or something. I may seem like just a glistening collection of biceps and abdominal muscles, but I have feelings too, you know? – Kiran
“Southern cooking” isn’t that difficult to replicate. Empty your freezer and deep fry EVERYTHING. And sure, it may seem tastey, at first. You almost forget what you’re eating until the fried casing slips off and you realize you’re eating pickled kumquats. – Kiran
I didn’t go, but apparently there was some serious partying last night at the Potatohead Estate because today I got a very angry voicemail from Mrs Potatohead in which the phrase “Elmo” “passed out” “puked” and “Paypal” were used numerous times. And now a severely inebriated Mr. Potatohead is here at our house as I’m typing this. He is having Miguel the gardener, my chefs Constantin and Ileana (on pastries), Javier the landscaper, Abril the cat groomer and housekeepers Esperanza and Mei-Mei build a bonfire to burn any and all books in the house that do not have his name or picture in it. Please send help. – Kiran
My leave-in conditioner helps with ‘the frizzies’ but also leaves me “mopey and tense.” It also causes “arguments, social isolation and fatigue.” I think that’s because twelve hour a day hair conditioning is unhealthy; that’s why I think what I really need is twenty-four. – Kiran
We all have bad habits — whether it’s snoring or not picking up your socks — but the important thing to remember is that you can change. Do you have trouble remembering to floss your teeth? Try growing a moustache! Do you forget your pants in the morning? Try wearing fancy underwear! Remember there’s always a solution to your problems. – Kiran