YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): [Power animal: ALF] As a Virgo, your tendency towards list-making will keep your life organized in the weeks to come, but will make you equally vulnerable to listicles. Your associates will immediately report to their friends that you look sickly.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Leo (July 23 – August 22): [Power animal: Salmon Avocado Roll] Today you will stop putting off the important things you meant to do a month ago: register to vote, send your aunt that thank you note and start eating meals that don’t come out of cans.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): [Power animal: 9-to-5: The Musical] Not to scare you, but your economic difficulties are only going to worsen over the next two years. This doesn’t mean you should give up your dreams of becoming a supermodel. Continue to go to photo shoots and keep your body in-shape. Just make sure to find a low-carb bread line.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): [Power animal: Hummus] As you get older, it seems your behavior is only becoming more and more erratic. Sometimes it feels like your mind is tearing you in all different directions – one moment you’re calm and rational and the next you’re having a full-blown breakdown because Costco ran out of frozen mini-burgers. You suspect bipolar depression. No, you’re just going through menopause – so please get some hormone replacement therapy.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): [Power animal: Blackberry Storm] Rebirth is in the air and you have a chance to revise some New Year’s resolutions. Lose 15 pounds? Make that 5. Find inner peace? Use 6 products on your hair plus a tourmaline straightener.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Aries (March 21 – April 19): [Power animal: Vilanchosaurus] Getting the attention of your office crush is an enigma wrapped in a taquito shrouded in mystery. You’re good looking, full of snappy banter and besides, you drive a Maserati Quattroporte – exploit that.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): [Power animal: Jeebus] It’s about time you quit your lucrative but soul-killing day job and commit to your inner artist. Wait. No, it’s not time to do that.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): [Power animal: Chili Dog] You will talk to five important experts today about the dreary economic climate and its effect on your current and future investments. Unfortunately, these five experts will be of little help, as they are all members of Aerosmith and have little expertise beyond the realm of rocking.
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Today marks the beginning of our 12-day astrological forecasts for the month June. We consulted a friend in the Shamanic community who suggested some power animals to accentuate our predictions.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): [Power animal: Paris Hilton’s assistant] You know the lay-offs at your firm are inevitable, but you have options. You can file for unemployment, ask your friends if there are any openings at their offices, or you can put that expensive Christmas gift your boss gave you on eBay. Sure, it was a generous gesture, but that Kindle is worth, like, $400.