I don’t know why Mom gets so upset about having to clean the house, quote “all the time”. If it were up to me, I’d just “let it go”. I mean, what’s the point of cleaning something that inherently wants to be in disarray. But try to rationally explain that to Mom. I dare you. I double dare you. Jesus. I don’t want to make grand sweeping statements about women being insane emotional creatures devoid of logic and reason – because that would paint me into a corner where I couldn’t talk about how bad they are at driving. – Shaan
Today I am going to karate chop the pool in the neck until it acknowledges that Chuck Norris is awesome. Or until I finally die from all the sexy radiation I give off. – Kiran
I did a scientific study and discovered that the number one key to being tough is to have a big ominous tattoo. And you can’t argue with science. I used test tubes and everything. – Shaan
Why the sudden interest in the Summer Olympics? I have no idea. But when you see athletes reignite your love of track and field you jump all over it. Like a lion. Or some other metaphor that features jumping on stuff. Trampolines? – Kiran
That’s it? This is what it’s like to be a book? Because, honestly, this feels like being a paper weight. — I should write analogies for a living. Or get paid in Bisquick. I’m not picky. – Shaan
Rumors are circulating that I got my head stuck in a chair today at school. And I am here to officially state that the rumors are true. There’s no point in denying it because everyone in class videotaped it with their cellphones. Even my best friend Henry recorded the moment using a Polaroid because “the Matrix and robots hate analog”. – Shaan
[Editor’s Note: Unlike most posts, today’s blog is all true – except for the iPhones and the Matrix.]
