Kiran and Shaan's World

How to get the ultra-buff masculine look? Carrot juice. Of course, it’s so simple. I wonder if carrot juice will also make my pecs sparkle like giant diamonds. Wait. I have no idea what a diamond is nor did I fund several unsuccessful mining expeditions in the heart of Africa that left me broke. I’m really not that big into shiny objects. Ooh, a brand new spoon! Yay! – Kiran

I think I may have peed a little. Oh…that’s a lot. Anyone have a Wet-Vac I can borrow? – Kiran

Check out my new car. With just a touch of a button, it can transform into a fighter jet, luxury submarine or high speed yacht. Let me demonstrate. [click] Yup, look at it go. [whirrrrrrrrr-whirrrrrrrrr] Wait a minute. What? Why did it change into a rice cooker?! That’s not a fighter jet or even a tank. Great. You’ve made a fool out of me on the Internet. No, I don’t want some Uncle Ben’s Instant Rice. Don’t talk to me. – Kiran

What better way to kick off the week then fried fish, pachyderms and felines. They’re kind of like people, but also very different and hard to understand. Or maybe not meant to be understood at all. They’re also all on TV. Huh? What was I saying again? – Kiran  

Yeah, yeah…me too Elmo. I enjoyed those ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movies. Johnny Depp’s whole “Mick Jagger-as-pirate” shtick is pretty awesome, but that doesn’t mean we should all run out and start dressing ourselves up like Johnny Depp. He can get away with the whole “Parisian bohemian poet from the 30’s” thing because he’s Johnny Depp, but when you do it, everyone just rolls their eyes. – Kiran

Have I settled on a signature sign-off message, a la Walter Cronkite’s ‘And that’s the way it is.’? Not really. But maybe something casual like, ‘Peace out, homies.’ (My favorite entree is also called ‘Walter Cronkite’ and comes with roasted fingerling potatoes and homemade applesauce.) – Kiran  

The best thing about the holidays? The opportunity to put all dieting on hold. Zebbie’s been eating Cheetos so hard he has to change his shirt several times a day because of all the residual Cheeto dust. – Kiran

I think I have a crush on Britney. She has lusciously eyelashed pyrite eyes and her skin shimmers with an inner light. [Sigh] And we both share a love of All-You-Can-Eat Mongolian Grills and driving really fast over speed bumps. Last week she insisted on taking my number, telling me that she wanted to “get together again” and that we would “discuss psychic communication using kitchen utensils” later. Well, it’s been over a week and she hasn’t called. Did I misread the signs? I’m so heartbroken and confused. Britney, if you’re reading this I just put my hand to my ear with the pinky and thumb extended and mouthed the words “Call me.” – Kiran

Poor Big Bird: No one will rent him a private jet for his New Year’s Eve Party for fear that the Sesame Street mogul might trash the aircraft. Sadly, smashing bottles of Cristal over your head will do that to your reputation. – Kiran  

FAN MAIL  

Every week we receive fan mail from our readers asking us questions like “How can I appropriately camouflage myself as Puerto Rico on a budget?” or “How do you respond to the world’s increasing flatness?”. Today’s letter comes to us from “Super Fan” in Sioux City, Iowa. Super Fan writes: “How’s Maury? We never hear about him anymore.”

Well, Maury is currently at war with a black magic website in California. This is a pretty typical Maury story. Basically, he used to post messages on a black magic website in California, using his full name. Now that he’s finishing up his PhD, he’s worried that the black magic website – which showed up in any Google search with his name – would pose a problem while interviewing for teaching jobs. But the black magic website refused to take down his posts. War ensued. My point is that some derelict black magic website in California refuses to take down years-old message board comments out of editorial integrity. [Silence] Huh? Um…Where was I going with this? What was the question again? – Kiran